Last kid picked.....

I was never the prettiest, the coolest, the smartest, or the most athletic. Many times I was over-looked because of my size (or lack-thereof), my looks, or my personality. Being teased for being small, always motivated me to "prove" to the world that I could do things they assumed I couldn't. I have always felt like I had to somehow over compensate for my small stature by accomplishing something big.

I always thrived in PE and at recess....the boys my age (and even some older) all hated that I could do more sit-ups and chin-ups than they could and shimmy up that rope faster than any of them. I was a gymnast, so it made sense, but still....I loved it!

I was surprisingly consistent in games of "knock-out" on the basketball court, shooting swish after swish from the 3-point line.

In Jr. High, myself and another boy in my class had to be sent up to the high school room at our private school for help with our more advanced Math Paces. (I hate math, but apparently I used to be fairly decent at it). I always was given higher grade level books to read, and more complicated spelling/vocabulary words.

I moved to AZ when I was 13, and it was during my freshman year of high school, that I began to exclusively pursue the performing arts. I took drama class every single year, and was involved, in some way, shape, or form, in all but 2 shows that were produced during my four years at PVHS. And here is where it all truly started. That feeling of never being good enough. Of being the last one picked to be on a team. I can recall so painfully vivid, those days after an audition, of approaching those dreaded call-back and cast lists and searching for my name, with my heart in my throat. Sometimes it was there....the majority of the time it was not. But still I participated as part of the team. I never landed the leading role, with the exception of a one-act play. But I always auditioned. And every single time, I would pray and believe that maybe....MAYBE this time would be it.

Every time my name was not on that list, I would walk away with my head held high, a smile and word of congratulations to others on my lips. Until of course, I got home. Then the tears would come. Through the torrent of tears, I would pour out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I would beg Him to change me and give me whatever it was that made those "other" people special and good enough. And by "others" of course I was not just limiting this prayer to those that were given the leads in the school play, but also to those who seemed to be given the leads in LIFE....the girls that were beautiful...you know, the ones that all the boys liked. The ones that the other girls never made fun of. The ones that were "popular." That was never me. That never will be me. But over the past couple years in particular, God has been teaching me that it really DOESN'T MATTER what "others" think of me....it is only that HE THINKS OF ME. He thinks of me. Period. The creator of the whole entire universe knows my name and formed me ON PURPOSE in my mother's womb. He placed inside of me everything I need to be the woman that He created me to be.

So once again, I find myself shut away in my room, with a torrent of tears, pouring out my confused, hurting, heart to the one who created that very heart. He has not forgotten me. He comforts me. I am clinging to Him and to His promises to me, as He assures me yet again, that it doesn't matter if I am "good enough" for others....I am perfect in His eyes. While the enemy tries to pull me down, with his lies of self-pity, shame, and unworthiness......Jesus lifts me up, sets me on His strong shoulders, and shows me the riches of His grace and the big picture of what lies ahead. I enter this new season of my life with thanksgiving and joy, hope and anticipation of all the amazing things I will get to witness as His glory is proclaimed.

How can I be so completely EXCITED for this future and yet so terribly devastated all at the same time? Because this is just another one of those times that I get to feel like the kid on the playground that gets picked last for the team.
Only this time, I KNOW that the part I play is just as valuable as any lead in the school play. ❤

A heart like His

So today marks day 2 of my Facebook fast. I announced it would only be a 2-day fast, but I'm feeling like God may be calling me to make it longer. Ugh! There are many changes happening in my life, my heart, and (as always, it seems) my ministry at church. Today seemed like a good day to start this study on David that's been lying around my house, taunting me, ever since I enthusiastically picked it up at a Beth Moore women's conference a few months back. There's something you have to know about me. David is my absolute, hands-down FAVORITE person in history.

*Allow me to make a little disclaimer here:

I know the proper "Christian" response to the question, "who's your favorite character in the Bible?" is supposed to be "Jesus!" However, my loophole here is that Jesus is not a "historical" character, because He has no beginning and no end, and is, in fact, very much alive. Therefore He does not fall into the same category.

Back to David. He and I are kindred spirits. I "get" him. Even as a young child, I was always drawn to the life of David. It's only now, that I understand why. Now, as an adult, he offers me hope and encouragement. The intro to this study says it best.

Beth Moore writes:

"Maybe it was the fact that David was his father's last choice. Maybe it was his uncanny way with a harp...and a slingshot. Maybe it was his unwillingness to kill a madman because he feared God even more. Or surely it was his ability to dance down the streets of Jerusalem. Then again, perhaps it was his shocking humanity and the resulting suggestion that we cannot out-sin God's ability to forgive.
....His story gives me hope and terrifies me into fresh reverence. I see so many things in him I wish I had-and so many others I'm scared to death I do have."

That's it. That's why I love David. My story is not over yet, so hang on tight as I begin this 90-day journey through the life of David, to develop a heart like his....or more importantly, a heart like "His."

Front and Center (it's all about perspective)

Wow. So first you have to read my good friend, Tanya's, blog post here ⬇

http://typicaltanya.wordpress.com/2013/02/05/front-and-center/#comments

Now once you've done that.....

I have a completely different perspective and it leaves me feeling quite astonished that two people can be so different and yet "get" each other so well.

I was at this same service on Saturday morning, but I was in probably the 5th or 6th row back? It was an INCREDIBLE time of worship and fellowship. I felt so comfortable and just blessed to be a part of such an amazing gathering of our church's family life volunteers! Now fast forward to Tuesday night's monthly leadership meeting. We got to church late, and I had asked my fellow leader from my service to save my husband and I a couple of seats. She texted back saying that she was in the back and that it was packed in there! I must admit, even just thinking back on the experience, my heart starts racing and I can feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack. I haven't felt THAT uncomfortable in church in a LONG time. It was hard to concentrate. I had to squint to see, and I remarked to my husband how everyone looked so SMALL from here! I felt disconnected. Self conscious. I felt embarrassed during worship because oh my GOSH I could actually hear my own voice SINGING!!! Ugh! I was so uncomfortable....I felt like the few people that were actually behind me were judging me. I know this all sounds so selfish and ridiculous, but it was such an awful feeling!!! I always tell people that I am too A.D.D. to sit more than 4 or 5 rows back in the middle. THAT is my comfort zone. It was so DISTRACTING to me to have all these people in front of me, because (again, darn that A.D.D.) I couldn't focus on the tiny people singing or speaking from stage because there were too many other things to look at. Good grief, can we say "SQUIRREL!!!" (Sorry to those who don't get the reference from Disney's UP)

On the flip side, when I AM sitting in my comfort zone, I feel connected, comfortable, and like I am surrounded by "family." I don't have to squint, and I DEFINITELY don't have to hear my own voice during worship! I don't lose focus easily, because guess what? There's nowhere else to look! LOL! It's the same at the movie theater....I like to sit 4th or 5th row back...right smack dab in the middle! Sometimes I wonder if it's a combination of my A.D.D. and my being vertically-challenged, that causes me to not want to see other people's heads in front of me. Probably.

Either way....I think it is WONDERFUL that so many people have a "usual" place to sit in church, but can be flexible if someone else takes "their" spot. The past year and a half God has really been teaching me all about flexibility and that change can be good.....or even if it's not necessarily "good", that HE is good and He will work His will whether I'm "happy" about it or not. If I will only bend to His plan and direction for my life, my marriage, my ministry, my relationships, my parenting....He will help me to focus and to "see over" any obstacle that I think is in my way. 😃

Fine.

Ok ok ok. I'm fine.

People ask me all the time, "How are you?"

I used to just spit out "pretty good" or "I'm doin' alright." Most often the word that would come out (accompanied by a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes, but no one seemed to really notice that.....) was the word "fine." Yup. "I'm fine." Why is that always our default?

If you've known me for any length of time, one thing you know about me is the ability I have to relate any and everything back to a movie. Quoting movies was something that was a big part of my childhood, and it's something that I've brought into my own family now that I'm married with children of my own.

One of mine and my husband's favorite movies is The Italian Job...the one with Mark Wahlberg and Edward Norton. One of the most memorable lines in the movie occurs in the very first scene.

Charlie, one of the main characters, says, "I'm fine." To which his mentor (played by Donald Sutherland) replies, "You know what fine stands for:
Freaked out
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional"

I swear, every time I give that response, I am thinking of that line in my head!

I took a class at church this summer entitled "Being Real." I'll admit that I took the class largely because one of my best friends was taking it (ironically enough, she is also the reason that I'm even blogging at this moment LOL!). I didn't really know what to expect. At all. I have never been so affected by a book in my life (the book is called The Cure....visit truefaced.com to discover more about it). It shook up my reality and left it dangling on a ledge. I had to CHOOSE what I was going to believe. I was faced with questions that I couldn't readily answer with a fake smile and an "I'm fine." I cried. I argued. I was filled with doubt. But also HOPE. Hope that I was too afraid to trust. I still struggle with these questions, but it sure is comforting to know that I'm not alone. I learned that it's okay to admit, "No. I'm not fine." Sometimes when people ask me how I'm doing I will simply say, "pray for me." But only if it's someone that I trust enough to see past my default anyways.

Here's the problem: everything that was presented in the "being real" class stands in stark contrast to what we are taught in the reality of every day life. The reality that most people, when they are asking "how you're doing" are half expecting/half hoping that you'll simply answer "just fine, thanks."

In our churches, in our jobs, in every day life, we are told to BE POSITIVE. We are made to feel selfish as if how dare we needlessly burden others or weigh them down with our problems or feelings of insecurity.

We are called to "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2) But what burdens will there be to bear, if we all just hide behind the false smiles and the facade that "everything is fine?" Jesus came to heal the sick, the hurting, the lonely, the weary, the broken in spirit, the abused. Shouldn't we, too, be reaching out to offer His love and peace to the people around us.....ESPECIALLY, but certainly not limited to, those closest to us? And don't you think a more effective means of sharing that precious gift would be to open up our own hearts and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and expose our wounds, than to pretend that we're fully healed and doing "just fine?"

I guess I don't really know what the point is that I'm trying to make this morning. Maybe I'm more just journaling random thoughts....hoping and praying that someone else out there feels the same way? I don't know.....but one thing I do know is that the hope I have in Jesus is the only REAL thing I can hold onto in this life. Knowing that, I can say with complete CONFIDENCE and HOPE for the future:

"No. I'm not fine...but I will be."

In awe of the One who gave it all

I'm new at this. I've been wanting to start a blog for awhile now. I want to inspire. I want to BE inspired. I always have a lot to say (as anyone who knows me AT ALL will attest to!) My crazy mind is always thinking. Lately I've been reminded of how TRULY blessed by God I am. I am HIS. His daughter. His precious beautiful princess. His bride. Even when I feel worthless and utterly UNworthy, He never ceases to show me how much He loves me. I have made soooo many mistakes...how could I possibly be worthy of His unconditional love. His matchless grace. His undivided attention. He has blessed me despite my selfish motives. He LOVES ME...He sent His perfect son to die...FOR ME! I praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He doesn't make mistakes. He knows every evil sinful thought I have before it even has a chance to enter my consciousness. His love knows no bounds. He made everything glorious...what does that make me?